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OE MIRTH-PROVOKING 
SCHOOLROOM 




A.FLANAGAIJ COMPAW CHICAGO 




Class J2_S_A2l5 

PnnV .ZCj 1)251 

Copyright N" 



COPyRlGHT DEPOSm 



THE 

MIRTH - PROVOKING 
SCHOOLROOM 

A FARCE IN ONE ACT 



BY 




EMILY DAVID 


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A. FLANAGAN COMPANY 
CHICAGO 






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Copyright 1906 by 
A. FLANAGAN COMPANY 



REVISED AND ENLAEGED 

Copyright 1910 by 

A. FLANAGAN COMPANY 



©CI.D '2ul43 



CHARACTERS 

Mary Jane Williams the teacher 

Harold James, aged 11 

Peter Nauler, aged 15 

Edith Graves, aged 10 

Marie Jones, aged 12 

Hilda Jones, aged 10 

George V/ilson, aged 16 

Flora Brown, aged 12 

Dorothea Brown, aged 8 



the scholars 



Eelia Smith, aged 14 i 

James Smith, aged 17. I 

Jeremiah Atkins, aged 12 i 

Hezekiah Rundorison, aged IG J 

Beatrice Brown, aged 12 i< lora's city cousin 

Note: The ages given are those the characters are supposed to 
represent. The parts, however, may be taken by very much older 
children. 

If desired, extra characters may be inserted ad libitum. For in- 
stance, a good singer or elocutionist may be introduced as a cousin 
from the city and may do an extra stunt. This may be done if 
a longer time of play is desired. 



Time of Presentation: About one hour. 



COSTUMES 

The Teacher: Hoopskirts, black jersey, kerchief tied like 
fichu, with large pin, corkscrew curls, little bonnet, small 
cape, short white apron, little white turn-over collar and 
cuffs. 

Harold: Old sweater, suspenders mended with rope, long- 
ish trousers, almost reaching to shoes, one leg a trifle 
longer than the other. Huge gloves and hat which he 
stufi^s into his trousers when he takes his seat. 

Peter: Overalls, jumper [both patched], bright red tie, 
red peaked clown cap, which he stuffs into his pockets. 

Edith: Blue gingham coverall apron, red stockings, red 
hair ribbons on two braids. 

Marie: Various colored waist and skirt, petticoat showing, 
white stockings, shoes left open. 

Hilda: Short, white apron over any dress, two different 
colored stockings, rubbers or house-slippers. 

George: Dressed very nicely — over-dandified. 

Flora: Bright-colored waist, skirt of different color, hair 
hanging and pompadour, with three different colored bows; 
colored, faded stockings; old, wornout, high-heeled slip- 
pers, bracelet, jewelry, fan on a string. 

Dorothea: Dressed daintily in white; carries huge rag 
doll. 

Eelia: Gingham dress with some old, white, small serv- 
ing apron of her mother's. 

5 



6 COSTUMES 

James: Same as Harold, only everything dilapidated look- 
ing, green tie, red socks, torn shoes, etc. 

Jeremiah must be a very small boy with white fauntleroy 
waist, showing turn-back collars and cuffs, tam-o'-shanter 
cap and great, two-yard-long woolen muffler, in which he 
is completely wound up. 

Hezekiah: Big, fat and homely-looking. Has a deep, 
hoarse voice, like the sound of a fog horn. Dressed much 
the same as Harold and Peter. 

Beatrice: Short, outgrown coverall apron, over old long- 
ish dress, two-colored stockings, one tied with old rag, 
requires frequent pulling up, one lace and one button 
«hoe, hair in two stiff pigtails. 



PROPERTIES 

Toy gun, which George has and trades Flora for a stick 

of candy. 
Stuffed rat. 

Horseshoe, which James gives teacher. 
Cabbage, which Marie gives her. 
Flowers, which Brown children bring. 
Football. 

Top, which Peter spins. 
Marbles. 

Gum, which all chew. 
Paper, out of which Edith and Hilda make fans and Eelia 

tears dolls. 
Two taffy-on-sticks, which Relia and Marie pass around the 

class. 
Strap for Peter. 
Jacks and ball for Dorothea. 
Paper for spitballs and blower for Peter and Harold; bells, 

pointer, ruler, slates. 



SCENE 

A RURAL schoolroom of the backwoods country. Old-fash- 
ioned benches, each seating several pupils [or chairs may be 
used instead] ; on side of wall facing audience is a black- 
board, with name of school written on, scholars enrolled, etc. ; 
to a side but in full view of audience, is a screen from 
behind which are seen sticking out wraps and hats — this is 
the cloakroom; in front of it, on a bench, prominently 
placed, stands a wooden water-pail, with a long-handled 
tin dipper in it ; a small old-fashioned heating stove, painted 
red [or wrapped in red paper to indicate lieat], and a wooden 
coal [or wood] box are placed in opposite corner from cloak- 
room; the teacher's table, two chairs, and a few old books 
complete the furnishings. The walls are bare and dirty- 
looking or marked up humorously. 



B 



THE MIRTH- PROVOKING SCHOOLROOM 

Teacher arrives in a great flurry, removing outer garments 
as she talks, hanging them on a hook and putting on a 
white apron and half gloves. 

Teacher: There, I just knew it would happen! When I 
saw the moon over my left shoulder, and when that dog 
yowled three successive times under my window last night, 
and when I put my left stocking on first this morning, 
I just said to myself, "Mary Jane Williams, something 
dreadful will happen to-day!" It was so late, I picked 
up my skirts to cut through the back pasture, that hor- 
rid bull saw my red stockings — Mary Jane, I am ashamed 
of you. Eemember you are a teacher of young children! 
Fifteen minutes late — Goodness! [Goes out and rings 
hand hell. Returns. Cheer is heard as Children rush 
pellmell into cloaJcroom. Two or three have scramble for 
dipper. All enter except Jeremiah, Flora, Beatrice, 
and Harold.] 

Teacher [continuing] : And Mr. Teachemhow of the Bos- 
ton Normal is coming this afternoon. I must calm my- 
self. [Rings small call hell. Children drop dipper and 
scramble for seats.] 

Teacher [to Children] : There, children, less noise ! One 
would think you were horses, you tramp so! [James 
tramps lilce a horse to his seat.] James, did you hear me ? 

James: Yes'm. But I got actions to tramp! 

Teacher: Why so? 

James: Yesterday you said I was a donkey. [Children 
laugh.] 

9 



10 THE MIETH-PKOVOKING SCHOOLEOOM 

Teacher [slains ruler] : James, you are making a bad be- 
ginning. ^ 

James [sotto voice to Children] : Just wait until she sees 
the end. 

[Jeremiah runs in ivrapped in muffler, with hat on, foot- 
hall under his arm, puts football on desk and starts for his 
seat, remembers hat, hangs it up and takes front seat with 
muffler oh him. Later he goes to James, who unwinds him.) 
Teacher [turning to Jeremiah]: What! late again this 

morning ? 
Jeremiah: Yes'm. Couldn't hardly get 'nuff to eat this 

mornin'. [All giggle.] 
Teacher: It seems to me you are more successful in get- 
ting food than you are in getting learning. 
Jeremiah : That's 'cos I feeds myself and you teaches me. 
[Children all laugh.] 

Teacher: That will do! We shall now sing the old 
oaken bucket, new version.* All ready? [Teacher 
waits until hubbub ceases and then motioning, school 
sings. During singing Harold slinks into his seat unob- 
served by Teacher.] 

How clear to my heart are the scenes of my childhood, 

When fond recollection presents them to view! 
The cheese-press, the goose-pond, the pigs in the wild-wood, 

And ev'ry old stump which my infancy knew. 
The big linkum basswood, with wide-reaching shadow, 

The horses that grazed where my grandmother fell; 
The sheep on the mountain, the calves in the meadow. 

And all the young kittens we drowned in the well — 
The meek little kittens, the milk-loving kittens. 

The poor little kitties, we drowned in the well. 

*Any other song may be substituted, though a parody is in better 
keeping with the nature of the entertainment. A chorus off stage 
might aid in the singing. 



THE MIRTH-PEO YOKING SCHOOLROOM 11 

I remember with pleasure my grandfather's goggles, 

Which rode so majestic astraddle his nosej 
And the harness, oft mended with toe-string and ''toggles," 

That belonged to old Dolly, now free from her woes. 
And fresh in my heart is the long maple wood-pile. 

Where often I've worked with beetle and wedge, 
Striving to whack up enough to last for a good while. 

And grumbling because my old axe had no edge. 

And there was the schoolhouse, away from each dwelling, 

Where schoolma'ams would govern with absolute sway; 
Who taught me my Arithmetic, readin' and spelling, 

And ''whaled me like blazes" about every day! 
But now, far removed from the nook of creation, 

Emotions of grief big as tea-kettles swell. 
When fancy rides back to my old habitation, 

To think of the kittens we drowned in the well — 
The dear little kitties, the sweet little kitties, 
The poor little kitties, we drowned in the well. 

George: Teacher, Peter's got my marbles. [Edith and 

Hilda malce paper fans.] 
Peter [stuffing bag of marhles into his pockef] : 'Tain't 

so. He traded 'em to me this morning. 
George: I only said you could play with them. 
Teacher: Children, you must not play with one another's 

things. Each one must have his own things and keep 

them for himself. 
Hilda \in extreme higli, shrill voice] : Can't I keep my 

things for myself, teacher? 

Teacher : Of course you can. 

Hilda: But, teacher, you said himself. I'm not a him. 

I'm a girl and girls are always in the genuine gender: 

you said so. 
Children : Ah, now we got you, teacher. 

Teacher [striJcing ruler forcibly on desk and rising] : Will 
you keep order? 



12 THE MIKTH-PEOVOKING SCHOOLEOOM 

James: Where' 11 I keep it, teacher? 

Teacher: Just outside the door. James, you may leave 
the room. [James goes after searching in vain for his 
own gum. Not finding it he appropriates Hilda's from 
the side of her desTc. She raises her hand, he slaps it 
down and his exit is mai'ked hy "ouches" and hand-rais- 
ings from various heads pulled, and tormented children. 
Teacher rings hell. Hands go down. Meanwhile Girls 
get out taffy stichs. Hezekiah and Peter quarrel over 
strap. 1 

Teacher: Now, children, when I say himself, it is what 
is called an English idiom. It merely means whoever is 
the possessor of the toys. 

Dorothea: Whe-r-e's the percession of toys, teacher? I 
seen one Christmas at the store, and I seen 

Teacher: Dorothea, you must he quiet, or teacher will 
be angry. [Dorothea cries very loudly.} 

Teacher: There, my dear, do not cry [going over to her 
and patting her on the shoulder], only remember little 
girls must not talk out in school. 

Peter : How can they talk if they don^t talk out, teacher ? 

Marie [talces up cabhage to teacher"] : Peter said for me 
to give you this bouquet. 

Teacher : That will do. Peter, you may register two black 
marks against your name for impertinence. 

Marie [running up to Teacher and waving hand in her 
face'] : Peter ain't got no more peppermints. James 
sneaked the last. 

Peter [to Marie, who shakes head, meaning yes] : Did 
he? [Shaking fist at James.] Oh, wait till I get him 
after school. 



THE MIRTH-PEOVOKING SCHOOLROOM 13 

Teacher [sinking wearily into a chair] : Children, children, 
stop this quarreling. Little children must love one an- 
other. 

All: Must we love even mean ones? 
Teacher : Certainly. 

Peter: Then what's the use in bein' good? You can have 
more fun bein' mean. 

Teacher : That will do. [Rings hell sharply.'] 

[Flora comes in with Beatrice^ her city cousin, and 
goes to Teacher to explain tardiness. Hands her the bou- 
quet of flowers which she brings. All the Children point 
to her, saying Shame ! and rubbing two index fingers across 
one another in the way children express shame. The two take 
their seats.] 

Teacher: Children, be polite. Is everyone present now? 
Several Voices : No, teacher, Johnny ain't here to-day. 
Teacher: Does any one know if he is coming? 

George [standing up] : Naw ! he ain't comin' no more. 
He says ye made 'im wash 'is face, an' when he went 
home his dorg bit 'im 'cause he didn't know 'im. [All 
laugh. George sits on top of desk.] Wisht / didn't have 
to go. [Throws spitballs.] 

Teacher: George, you aren't fit to sit with decent folks. 
Come and take this chair by me. [All laugh again. 
George goes, then begins to walk away with Teacher's 
chair, then sets it down and seats himself.] 

[Peter falls asleep and snores loudly. Pupils notice him 
and giggle. One of the boys points to him and whistles. 
Teacher, noticing what's going on, goes to Peter 
and awakens him. As soon as Teacher's back is turned 



14 THE MIETH-PKOVOKING SCHOOLROOM 

George returns to his seat. He trades toy gun with Flora 

for a stick of candy. ^ 

Eelia: 0, teacher, we ain't got no light no more to our 
house. My ma got mad at pa the other night, and 

Teacher [bringing down pointer'] : Eelia, never tell fam- 
ily affairs to outsiders. 

Harold: Who should she tell 'em to then? The family 
insiders know all about it. 
[Hezekiah has meanwhile extracted a paper from his 

pocket. Opens it on his desk and reads it. Harold sneaks it 

off desk. He and George read it together. Suddenly both 

pull paper in opposite directions. Paper splits in two and 

George retires to coal box to read his share, while Harold 

remains contentedly reading his.] 

Hezekiah [waving hand] : Say, teacher ! I was up town 
yisterd'y. 

Teacher: Well, what of it? 

[Peter is seen spinning his cap on the desk in imitation 
of a top.] 

Hezekiah : Oh, nothin'. Only I saw lots o' things. An' — 
an' — an' I had a ride on one o' them cars. An' — an' I 
saw a accident. [All listen eagerly.] A woman had 
her eye on a seat an' a man sat on it. [All laugh.] 

George [looking up from his paper and laughing] : Betcher 
I know a better one than that. 

Teacher [taking gum from Flora] : That will do ! Less 
noise, there! Children, this afternoon I expect a gentle- 
man from the Boston Normal School and I want you to 
show what fine scholars you are. Each one may do what- 
ever he can do best. Now, Peter, what will you do? 



THE MIETH-PEOVOKING SCHOOLEOOM 15 

Peter [executing handspring^ : That. 

Teacher: That? Why that is not head work. [Takes 
jacks from Dorothea, wlio cries, hut not so loudly as be- 
fore.] 

Peter : Oh, you want head work ? Then this'll do. [Stands 
on head.] 

Teacher [sarcastically] : You may take that seat in the 
corner and that box of kindergarten pegs and do seat work. 
That's what you may do. [She discovers George reading 
paper, jerTcs him off, snatches paper, and yanks him to 
his seat; he becomes very industrious over his slate. 
James sneaks to cloakroom and is seen putting on girls' 
hats and peeking out. After a while he resumes his seat.] 

Teacher: Harold, what will you do? 

Harold: Tell the floor about the Three Bears. 

Teacher : The floor about the Three Bears ! What do you 
mean? 

Harold [reading] : "Onct upon a time three bears lived in 
a little house in a forest." [George is meanwhile trying 
to fit on the horseshoes which he has sneaked off the 
Teacher^s desk. Teacher takes toy gun from Flora and 
places it on her table.] 

Teacher [appropriating top from Peter, who throws it into 
her hand; it rolls to floor; she takes him by ear until he 
picks it up and deposits it on the table, incidentally sneak- 
ing a toy gun which teacher had just taken from Flora] : 
That is a story, Harold ; not a floor. 

Harold: That's 0. K. A floor and a story means the 
same thing. 

Teacher: What are you talking about? 



16 THE MIRTH-PEOVOKING SCHOOLEOOM 

Harold: My pap's got a picture of a big building up to 
Chicago, with lots of windows, and pap said 'twas six- 
teen stories. I couldn't see no books on it, and when 
I ast pap, he slapped me and said: "Stories means 
floors. What do I send you to school fur?" [Girls pass 
taffies, unseen hy Teacher.] 

Teacher: Yes, James, floors sometimes means stories, but 
stories are not always floors. 

Harold : What's the dif . I guess my pap oughter know. 

Teacher : Well, we will not discuss it now ; I shall explain 
later. [Takes paper dolls from Hilda.] 

Teacher: Hilda, what can you do? 

Hilda [sJirill falsetto'] : May I speak a piece? 

Teacher : Certainly. 

Hilda : 

I am a little girl, just ten years old, 
I always try to do as I am told. 

My mamma says I'm good, 

As good as I can be, 

For, if I should be rude, 

She'd give it good to me. 

[As her voice mounts higher and higher, Harold keeps 
pretending to climb, standing ultimately on his chair. When 
he can mount no higher, James assists him, and when 
Hilda's voice drops on "me," he drops too. Children mimic 
her voice as she takes her seat; Teacher rings hell and class 
subsides.] 

Teacher: George, what will you do? 
George [jerkily] : 'Eith-me-tic. 
Teacher: Very well, recite your problem. [Takes blower 

from Peter.] 



THE MIETH-PEOVOKING SCHOOLEOOM 17 

George [very swiftly'^ : If a dog and a hippopotamus had 
a quarrel over a bone, and the dog ate the bone and the 
hippopotamus ate the dog, what did Juli-et? [All 
laugh.'} 

Teacher: What's that? Please repeat. 

[George repeats it more swiftly and the Children motion 
as though winding him up.} 
Teacher: Slower, please. 

George [mops brow with hand, throws perspiration to the 
floor, and jerks out] : If a dog and a hip-po-pot-a-mus 
had a quarrel o-ver a bo-o-ne, and the hip-po-pot-a-mus ate 
the dog, what did Ju-li-et? [Harold jerJcs his winding 
to keep time with George.] 

Teacher: Where did you obtain that example? 

George: In the Amurikan. My paw has it every Sun- 
day. 

Teacher [sinking into her chair with a sigh] : Tell me how 
you work it out. 

George: Tell nothin'. My paw spent Sunday night on it 
'stead of goin' to church. I come here to learn, not to 
work out examples. 

Teacher [rising] : Be seated, George ; I shall send your 
father notice to-night. 

Edith: 'Twon't do no good. His pa just got a five-day 
notice from my pa, and that will hold him for a while 
'thout no school notice. 

Teacher [strikes ruler on tahle] : Order ! 

Beatrice: May Flora and me speak a piece? 

Teacher : Yes. 

[They giggle until Teacher turns around.] 



18 THE MIETH-PEOVOKING SCHOOLEOOM 

Flora and Beatrice: "We are two little girls all dressed 
in blue " [giggle.'] 

Children [together] : You ain't neither. 

Flora and Beatrice [angiily] : Teacher, that's in our 

piece. 
Teacher: Children, be polite. 
Flora and Beatrice: 

We are two little girls all dressed in blue, 
We always know just what to do 

Harold : 0-o-o-o-h, what a lie ! 

Flora and Beatrice [tossing their heads] : We just won't 
speak for such imperlite children. 

Teacher: I do not blame you, girls. Let us hear from 
Mary Jones. 

Mary : Marie. 

Teacher: Oh, pardon me — Marie. 

Mary: "Once two little kittens" — [Stops embarrassed, re- 
members how and begins again] : 

Once two little kittens wanted to play, 

That they were big rats, too; 
So they found a rat and brought it in 

For their mamma dear to chew. 
So they brought it in and mamma said: 

"My dears, that rat's a fake. 
It's only made of gingerbread; 

You two do take the cake." 

[James throws a stuffed faJce rat into the room, which 
he has attached to a string. Children shrieTc, jump on seats. 
Teacher also. All hut Peter^ who attempts to hill rat and 
discovers that it is a fahe ivhen James pulls string, picks it 
up and holds it to view. Peter laughing, goes to seat; 



THE MIETH-PEOVOKING SCHOOLEOOM 19 

Children keep their feet on seats. Teacher Tceeps hers on 

the rungs of the chair.l 

Teacher [mucli perturhed, hreathlesshjl : Very well done 

for so little a girl. We will now hear from Jeremiah 

Eundorison. 

Jeremiah : Kin I tell all I know about Germany ? 

Teacher : Certainly. 

Jeremiah : Germany is a place over in — over in — Ger- 

ma-ny's a place — over — in — over — in — [James nudges 

him.l Teacher, James is tickling me! 
Teacher: Leave Germany where it is and take your seat, 

Jeremiah. 

[James sneaks foothall and as Teacher goes to dressing 
room to look for him, he throws it to Peter. Peter throws 
it over Teacher's head as she attempts to stop it, snatches 
it from James, throws it to table. It bounces off, and 
George returns it to desk.] 
Teacher : Dorothea, see if you can retrieve the reputation 

of the first reader class. 
Dorothea [boo-hoo-boo-hoos] : I ain't done nothin'. Hon- 
est Injun, I ain't! I ain't. 
Teacher: I did not accuse you of anything! 
Dorothea: You called me Dorothea, and that's my bad 

name. I'm always Dotty when I'm good. 
Teacher [with a smile] : I won't try to make a recitation 

out of a dot. 

[Hezekiah waves his hand like a danger signal on a 
windy day.] 

Teacher: Well, Hezekiah? 
Hezekiah : Saj^ teacher, I got a writin'. 



20 THE MIETH-PEOVOKING SCHOOLEOOM 

Teacher : And pray what may that be ? 

James [interrupting] : He means he's got a compersition : 

somethin' what he writ himself. [Goes to Hezekiah and 

taps him on head.] Ain't it? 

Hezekiah : Ye-e-es. 

Teacher: Let us have it then. 

Hezekiah [unrolls a large sheet of foolscap and reads] : 
Cows: Cows is a very nseful animal. Cows give milk, 
but as for me, give me liberty or give me death. [All 
laugh.] Say, teacher, if they're goin' t' laugh, I ain't 
goin' t' read it when the perfesser is here. 

Teacher [laughing, too] : Perhaps you had better not. 
[Seriously:] Children, didn't I tell you not to attempt 
any flights of fancy in writing compositions? Be your- 
selves and write what is in you. 

[Peter pulls Hezekiah^s ear as he sits down. Hezekiah 
yells. Ouch! Teacher turns in time to see what's going 
on.] 

Teacher: That will do, Peter! You seem to have so 
much time for everything, perhaps you have your com- 
position written in presentable shape. To think that such 
old boys and girls can't even write a decent composition ! 
What will Mr. Teachemhow think? 

Peter [rises, unfolding a tiny piece of paper which he pulls 
out all folded and dirty from out his trousers' pochet] : 
Betcher life I've got it. [Reads] : We should not 'tempt 
any fiites of fancy, but rite what is in us. In me there is 
my heart, my liver, two apples and one stick of lemon 
candy. [All laugh. He sits and seems amused, too.] 

George : 0, teacher, am I a lad ? 



THE MIETH-PEOVOKING SCHOOLEOOM 21 

[Someone yells Ouch ! The Girls are seen pulling their 
gum as is the habit of children.] 

Teacher : Yes : lad and boy mean the same. 

George : An' I got a step-father, ain't I ? 

Teacher: Yes, I believe so. 

George: Then I'm a step-ladder, ain't I? [All laugh.'] 

Hezekiah [drawls out when laughter subsides, as though 
just seeing the cause of the mirth~\ : Say, that's all right, 
ain't it? [Begins to laugh.'] 

Teacher [rapping on des'k] : Order! [James imitates her. 

Harold waves his hand.] Well? 
Harold [rising] : Kin I make a recitation what my paw 

learned me? [Teacher nods and he begins] : 

Our yaller hen has broke her leg, 
Oh, never more she'll lay an egg. 
The brindle cow has gone plumb dry, 
And sister Sal has eat a pie; 
This earth is full of sin and sorrow — 
We^re born to-day and die to-morrow. 

Peter: That was no good. 

Marie: It is good: it's fine. Wliat do you know about it 

anyway ? 
All [pointing fingers at Marie] : You're his gurl, ain't 

you? 
Teacher: Be quiet, children, or you will all have to stay 

after school. Kelia, we haven't heard from you yet. 

What will you do? 
Relia : My ma wrote a piece out for me and says for me to 

read it. [Unwinds her sheet, which is several feet long, 

and reads, with rising and falling inflections] : 



22 THE MIRTH-PEOVOKING SCHOOLROOM 

Advice to Children 

To all dumb animals be kind, 

As all good children should, 
And if you are, you're sure to find 

Reward for being good. 

It may be lots of fun, I grant. 

To bite an ant in two, 
And yet you wouldn't like your aunt 

To do the same to you. 

The busy little bee would cry, 

And sob and moan and wail, 
And so would you if you should try 

To pull his little tail. 

Some think to pinch the legs of frogs 

A very funny joke; 
It doesn't hurt the pollywogs, 

But frogs are apt to croak. 

An oyster has a covering. 

And yet, upon my soul, 
To bite it is a cruel thing, 

So swallow oysters whole. 

Don't tease the pretty little eel 

When you go in to swim. 
A good eel makes the children feel 

A good deal, too, like him. 

Don't harm the little centipede. 

An invalid so brave; 
The dainty little thing, indeed, 

Has one foot in the grave. 

The jellyfish do not pursue. 

And do not joggle it; 
The gentle thing is subject to 

A headache fit to split. 

And so, my dear, although you be 

A sister or a brother. 
Reserve your innate cruelty, 

And practice on each other! 

— Sam S. StinscPh 



THE MIETH-PEOVOKING SCHOOLEOOM 23 

James [rising] : Maw didn't give ye that t' read. 

Eelia : She did, too ! 

Teacher : Better have your ma settle that for you when you 

get home. 
Jeremiah : His ma settles him every once in a while. 

[All laugh.] 
Teacher [rapping] : Order, children ! Edith, you may 

show off what you have learned now. 

[James sneahs into the cloaJvroom again, unobserved hy 
the Teacher.] 
Edith [begins to cry] : My ma said that if I ever try to 

show off again, she won't let me in the parlor when sis has 

company, so I dassent show off any more. 
Teacher [with a tremendous sigh] : It's no use practicing. 

If practice makes perfect, what will this afternoon be like? 

Children, you may all go home an hour earlier so as to 

have clean faces^when you come back. 
Hezekiah [waving his hand] : Say, teacher, I don't know 

if I can be here, 'cause las' night I hit my sister and my 

ma said when she got hold of me, she'd knock me into the 

middle of next week; and if she does, I s'pose I won't be 

here. [All laugh.] 
Teacher : The class may now rise and sing the new version 

of AMERICA. [All rise and sing:] 

My learning, 'tis for thee, 
Sweet name for drudgery, 

Of thee I sing. 
I love thy rod and stings, 
Spitballs and other things, 
I love thy good beatings 
In learning's cause. 

My beloved schoolhouse, thee, 
Full of tomfoolery, 

Thy name I love. 



24 THE MIETH-PEOVOKING SCHOOLEOOM 

I love thy water pail, 
And though I always fail, 
It is of no avail 

Home to complain. 

Oh simple g'ography, 
Was never meant for me, 

To learn, I know. 
I rather play and fight, 
And though not always right. 
Lessons don't help a mite 

When you are down. 

So let our voices sing, 
In praise of ev'rything 

That we may like. 
If reading suits us not, 
And writing but somewhat, 
Oh burden not our lot, 

With added cares. 

[Teacher rings hell and with a yell the pupils all make 
for the dressing-room. James sneaks in and sits upright.^ 

Teacher: James, will you be good this afternoon if I let 

you go now ? 
James : Yeth'm. 

Teacher: Eun along then. [James handsprings out.~\ 
Teacher [with a tremendous sigh'] : Half the day is at last 

over. [Sighs.] 

[Curtain rings down on overturned chairs, paper and spit' 
hall strewn floor and general scene of disorder.] 



Popular Entertainment Books 

The Normal Dialogue Book 

A collection of Dialogues, Tableaux, Charades, Shadow Scenes 
and Pantomimes for all grades. Thirty-one selections in all. One 
of the best all-round books published. 181 pages. 

All the Holidays 

By Clara J. Denton. Thirty-nine Dialogues, Exercises and 
Plays, and thirty-one Recitations for all occasions and all grades. 
201 pages. 

Practical Dialogues, Drills axui Marches 

By Marie Irish. Contains twenty-two Drills and Exercises 
for little folks and those of the intermediate grades. All of the 
drills are illustrated with diagrams. A popular book with the pri- 
mary teacher or the ungraded school. 152 pages. 

Successful Plays 

A collection of nine of the most popular Farces ever published: 

A Kiss in the Dark — The Obstinate Family — A Pair of Lunatics — The Per- 
secuted Dutchman — A Regular Fix — The Stage -Struck Yankee — That 
Rascal Pat — Wanted, A Confidential Clerk — Wooing Under Difficulties. 
For grammar schools, high schools and amateur theatricals. 
183 pages. 

New Motion Songs 

By Minnie F. Brown and W. F. Leavitt. Thirteen Songs 
with actions for primary, intermediate and grammar grades. Both 
words and music are given. 

Castle^s School Entertainments 

Containing every description of Recitation and Dialogue, as 
well as interesting Charades and Drills for all grades. There are 
*our books published, each having over 200 pages of unsurpassec 
material for school use. 

PRICE, EACH BOOK. 25 CENTS, POSTPAID 

A. Flanagan Company = Chicago 



Thirty-Eight 
National Patriotic Songs 

(American and Foreign) 



A grand collection of the leading National Patri- 
otic Songs of the United States and representative 
songs from many European Nations. 

Selected and arranged for use in the schools of 
Chicago. 

Arranged for four part singing. Harmonized for 
use of children in the keys best suited for that pur- 
pose; printed in large type. Size of print page 5x8. 
Book trimmed to 6x9. Printed on good paper. 
Strong paper cover, 48 pages. Price, 10 cents; by 
express $6.00 per hundred. 

Best collection ever put out at so low a price. 

Sample copy free to any Superintendent or Prin- 
cipal. 

LIST OF CONTENTS 

America— Annie Laurie — Auld Lang Syne — Austrian National Song — Battle 
Hymn of the Republic — Believe Me, If All Those Endearing Young Charms — 
Ben Bolt — Columbia, the Gem of the Ocean — Dixie Land — Flow Gently, Sweet 
Afton — Hail, Columbia — Home, Sweet Home — How Can I Leave Thee? — 
Hymn of the Marseillaise — Illinois — Keller's American Hymn — March of the 
Men of Harlech — Marching Through Georgia — Maryland! My Maryland! — My 
Old Kentucky Home — Old Black Joe — Old Folks at Home — Russian National 
Anthem — Swedish National Air — Tenting On the Old Camp Ground — The 
Battle-Cry of Freedom — The Dearest Spot — The Last Rose of Summer — The 
Marseillaise — The Minstrel Boy — The Old Oaken Bucket — The Star Spangled 
Banner — The Sword of Bunker Hill — The Vacant Chair — The Watch on the 
Rhine — Those Endearing Young Charms — Tramp! Tramp! Tramp! — Yankee 
Doodle. 

A. Flanagan Company, Chicago 



Two Favorite Plavs 



The two plays mentioned below were written especially for, and 
first produced by classes in Catholic schools. They are adapted 
to grammar grades and high school and academy pupils and have 
proven themselves favorites wherever presented. The language is 
classical, the dramatic situations keen, and the subjects pure and 
such as appeal to Cathohc schools. 



Cornelia 



By a Sister of St. Francis, Clinton, Iowa. A drama in five acts, for seventeen 
female characters. Time of presentation, one hour and fifteen minutes. Roman 
costumes. Cornelia, the Vestal, whom the Empress of Rome suspects of aspiring 
to the throne, is unjustly sentenced to the tomb in the absence of the Emperor. 
She is saved by a freed slave, whom she rescued from death, and two Vestals, 
and is brought to the home of the unhappy nieces of the Emperor. She relates 
to them the entrancing vision which passed before her mind while in the tomb, 
how God revealed to her the light of His Holy Love, and they all renounce the 
worship of idols and become Christians. Price, 25 cents. 

Queen Esther 

By S. M. A., Convent of Mary Immaculate, Key West, Florida. A drama 
in three acts, founded on Holy Scripture. For five male and five female characters 
and as many court ladies, guards, etc., as may be desired. Time of presen- 
tation, about one hour. Ancient Persian and Hebrew costumes. Esther, a 
Jewish maiden who found favor in the king's sight, by keeping her race and 
country a secret ascends to the throne of Persia, with the sole desire of serving 
the oppressed Jews. By relating the story of their wrongs to Persia's king, who 
has been made to believe them to be treacherous subjects ever plotting against the 
sovereign, she secures the freedom of God's Chosen People and saves them from a 
terrible death. Price, 25 Cents. 



A. Flanagan Co.j Chicago 



1 hanksgiving Lntertainments 



With much original matter by Marie Irish, Clara J. Denton, Laura R. 
Smith and Others. Nothing equal to it in newness and variety. The largest, 

choicest and best arranged collection for Thanksgiv- 
ing published. The book is divided into three parts: 
The first is for Primary Grades and contains 2 acrostics, 
6 dialogues and exercises, Pumpkin Drill, 28 recita- 
tions, 1 new song with music, 2 new songs to old tunes 
and 12 primary quotations. The second is for Inter- 
mediate Grades and contains 4 dialogues and exercises. 
Corn Drill, 27 recitations, 1 new song with music, 3 
new songs to old tunes and 11 intermediate quotations. 
The third, for Higher Grades, has 2 dialogues. Fruits 
of the Harvest Drill, 22 recitations, 1 new song with 
music, 2 new songs to old tilnes, the Origin of Thanks- 
giving and 9 quotations for higher grades. The book 
also contains 12 tableaux for all grades. Illustrated. 
144 pages. Price, 25 cents. 

Christmas Celebrations 




With much original matter by Marie Irish, Clara J. Denton, Laura R. 



Smith and Others. The matter in this book is all new 
choicest and best arranged collection for Christmas 
published. The book is divided into three parts. 
Part I is for Primary Grades and contains 1 acrostic, 
4 dialogues and exercises, Waiting for Santa (drill), 
29 recitations, 1 new song with music, 2 new songs to 
old tunes, and 16 primary quotations. Part II, In- 
termediate Grades, has 1 acrostic, 6 dialogues and ex- 
ercises. Stocking Drill, 26 recitations, 1 new song with 
music, 2 new songs to old tunes, 9 intermediate quota- 
tions. Part III, Higher Grades, contains 1 dialogue, 
Evergreen Drill, 17 recitations, 1 new song with music, 
1 new song to old tune, the Origin of Christmas, a 
Christmas Prayer, and 8 quotations for higher grades. 
The book also contains 4 tableaux for all grades. 
Illustrated. 160 pages. Price, 25 cents. 



A. FLANAGAN COMPANY 



It is by far the largest. 







CHICAGO 



Books on Bus y Work 

GAMES, SEAT WORK AND SENSE TRAINING EXERCISES 

By M. Adelaide Holton, Supervisor of Primary Schools and Eugene 
Kimball of the Minneapolis School, Minneapolis Minn. The games, 
seat work and sense training exercises contained in this little book are 
the result of years of experience with thousands of children and hundreds 
of teachers. Great care has been taken to give a variety of educative 
exercises that cultivate attention, concentration, interest, judgment and 
reasoning, and that train along the lines of regular school work. 124 
pages. Cloth. Price 40 cents. 

DEVICES FOR BUSY WORK 

By Abbie G. Hall. One hundred of them. This book contains a 
choice selection of plain, sensible, easily followed devices, to keep the 
little ones busy. Enough for a whole year. Invaluable to all primary 
teachers. Price, 10 cents 

HOW TO MANAGE BUSY WORK 

By Amos M: Kellogg. Being suggestions for desk-work in language, 
number, earth, people, things, morals, writing, drawing, etc. All primary 
and intermediate teachers need its help. It is a book not only of 
devices but of methods. It describes in full the apparatus needed and 
tells how to use it. Profusely illustrated. Price, 25 cents. 

SUGGESTIONS FOR SEAT WORK 

By Minnie M. George, author of the Plan Books — the most helpful 
book for teachers ever published. This little book is worth its weight 
in gold. Here are 62 pages of busy work devices that will supply 
pupils with employment that will occupy head and hands; that will lead 
pupils to observe closely; lead pupils to be inventive; and, best of all, 
to relieve you of much care by furnishing your pupils something profita- 
ble to do. There are suggestions and devices enough to last from 
September to June, inclusive. This pamphlet will give you more help 
in your work than the average dollar book. If not, return it and receive 
your money back. Price, 15 cents. 

A. FLANAGAN CO. .'. CHICAGO 



Helps in Geography 

Chalk Illustrations 

By Eliza H. Morton. A book of nearly 200 simple, freehand 
sketches of many scenes and object of interest to classes in 
geography, and a large amount of valuable information in connection 
with each sketch. Many suggestions and full directions for the 
drawings are also given. Each continent is taken up separately. 
200 pages. Cloth. Price, 60 cents. 

Geographical Spice 

By Eliza H. Morton. A compilation of brief descriptions, of 
natural curiosities, interesting notes of art and illustrative items not 
found in the regular texts, but of much value in creating fresh interest 
and teaching the wonders of geography. Gathered from all portions 
of the globe and arranged by continents, with a copious and conven- 
ient index. 210 pages. Paper, 25 cents. Cloth, 50 cents. 

Industrial and Commercial Geography 

By J. U. Barnard, Kansas City, Mo. A series of working out- 
lines, with suggestions to teachers. Facts are given, references are 
mentioned and a comprehensive outline is furnished by grades, from 
the third to the sixth. It teaches the true value of geographical con- 
ditions as factors in the development of man, introducing the child 
into the real activities of the business world. First it takes up the 
different industries, one by one; then the different sections, showing 
the products of each state, their industries, means of transportation, 
etc. Invaluable to every teacher of geography. 164 pages. 
Price, 30 cents. 

Outlines of Geography 

By J. M. Callahan. The best and most complete outlines of 
geography published. Besides the topical outlines, the most impor- 
tant facts are given, supplementary notes are added and general 
questions are inserted for reviews. 51 pages. Price, 15 cents. 



A. Flanagan Company - Chicago^' 



Material for November 



THANKSGIVING STORIES. For second grade. 32 pages, 
illustrated. Price, 6 cents; per dozen, 60 cents. 

STORIES OF OLD NEW ENGLAND. For third grade. 
48 pages, illustrated. Price 6 cents; per dozen, 60 cents. 

OUR PILGRIM FOREFATHERS. For fourth grade. 32 
pages, illustrated. Price 6 cents; per dozen, 60 cents. 

NOVEMBER PLAN BOOKS. Suggestions, stories, songs, 
pictures, references, etc. Primary and intermediate. Mention 
which one is wanted when ordering. Price, each, 25 cents. 

SONGS IN SEASON. Over one hundred songs for all seasons, 
with a goodly number for Thanksgiving and Christmas. 144 
large pages. Price, 50 cents. 

BLACKBOARD STENCILS. Ten good subjects for Thanks- 
giving. Price, each, 5 cents; six for 25 cents. 

THANKSGIVING ENTERTAINMENTS. Contains 144 
pages of new and unsurpassed material for all grades : 48 pages 
for primary, 40 for intermediate, 56 for higher grades. There 
are recitations, dialogues and plays, drills, songs, tableaux, and 
quotations. Price, 25 cents. 

THANKSGIVING CELEBRATIONS. A book of plays, 
songs, drills, pantomimes, and recitations, adapted for pupils of 
all ages. 192 pages. Price, 35 cents. 

HOW TO CELEBRATE THANKSGIVING AND 
CHRISTMAS. Recitations, songs, drills, exercises and com- 
plete programs for celebrating autumn days, Thanksgiving and 
Christmas. 133 pages. Price, 25 cents. 

THANKSGIVING POST CARDS. Very attractive and 
amusing colored post cards of Thanksgiving design and with 
Thanksgiving greeting. Six designs. Price, per ten cards, 15 
cents; per fifty, 60 cents. 

Full descriptions of all goods listed above, together with 
numerous other good things for teachers and schools will be 
found in our Teachers' Catalogue, mailed free upon request. 



A. Flanagan Co., 338 Wabash Ave., Chicago 



LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 




017 400 921 1 



